Just tucked my boys to sleep and spare a little time nagging here...
Farhan had so much homework without me realizing it! It was a relief that he was not too fussy tonight doing all those last minute work because he would really lose interest to do work when sleeping time is nearing. His mood was o.k and he was not too tired. staying 4 days at the hospital, I forget to make up to this child but worry too much about myself.
Stayed at the hospital earlier this week because little Zafran had another episodes of fitting last Sunday. In that 24 hours, he had like 10 times of partial seizures and 6 times of seizures and convulsions every 4 hours. Doctors said blood analysis showed that level of sodium valproate taken so far is not enough to control the seizures from happening, thus the current dose is increased after they treated him with a medication that is only given with recurring episodes of fitting.
I am really worn out with my body, so as my mind. I wish I do not have to think of anything and just go numb. Felt sad looking at people, felt bad looking at piled clothes at home, felt uneasy walking into the kitchen, felt like the school is falling on me when I think of some of the UPSR work that I have to fulfill whilst somebody should have done it instead. Aku bukan mengira kerja sangat, tapi dalan keadaan sekarang aku tak boleh berfungsi macam biasa.
Seorang yang kehilangan ...
Teruk sangat bunyinya, tapi tu lah...
Last Saturday I talked to a colleague, she said there were times before when she was coming to work just to fill the hours and felt insincere towards this sacred job, especially the students. I kind of having that awful feeling too, so I need to do something so I would not turn into that oddball. Masalah rumah bawa ke pejabat? A bit, but it is because masalah kerja pun dibawa balik ke rumah. We do not seem to have a choice. Like I said before, you do something B condemns, you do not do it then A condemns. You are at fault anyway. The thing is, how are you going to motivate yourself out of such situation.
I can't right now, perhaps later ...